i remember seeing my grandfather sob for the first time,
telling me you were dead.
the surreal second i convinced myself
it was not a joke.
inconsolable as that cavern ate at me
pain a hundredfold for every second
forced to politely gaze at your pale, cold, foreign body.

i wrote a letter to you in my journal everyday for six months,
saying "I love you I love you come back daddy please please
fly back I will work harder and skate better"
i even slept solely on one side of my tiny bed
(in case you were a ghost and wanted to sit on the edge.)

then i didn't cry
for a year
your loss made me think
fat ladies with nauseating perfume, suffocating me with their boobs
strangers who knew me insincerely told me
you'd always be there

but after six and a half years of constant reminders saying
"he is gone he is gone he is gone forever,"
i finally realize
that you never left.